People become like that which they despise.
Your nugget for the day.
My problem is that I don't receive God's forgiveness. I ask Him to forgive and then I make myself suffer for my sins. I never just move on.
I remember someone who didn't know me describing me as getting
knocked down a lot spiritually, but always getting back up. I
think the reason why I don't get up this time is because I asked for
the beating. (I mean that literally.) I don't feel like I deserve to
be forgiven, so I stay down. I wallow around in the mud, hating myself
to the point that I seek out other things to make my destruction more
complete. I just keep asking for the beating over and over again,
always wanting it to be worse than it was before. I seek out habits
and addictions and self-destructive cycles. Who can clean me up? I
want to be different than this. I do the things I don't want to do. I
don't want to do these things, and I don't want to go after them anymore. I want to sever myself from them.
Who is a healer of all things? Who restores things no one thought could be?
I remember him, and he still wants to take care of me.
Daily Bible Verse email: Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by me." (John 14:6, RSV)
Dictionary.com Word of the Day: panacea \pan-uh-SEE-uh\, noun: A remedy for all diseases, problems, or evils; a universal medicine; a cure-all.
At least, I see a connection.
and one of my solutions is alcohol.
There is nothing ordinary about God, and yet He is the universal norm. Without His love, nothing that has been made would have been made, and without His love it would not continue to exist. He is the foundation of all living matter, lovingly keeping us in orbit and existing. And the greatest insult to Him is when His creation, fully knowing, defies the loving nature that keeps them living. This is rebellion, of consequence and a plague not only to ourselves, but to the other God-loved beings and creatures around us.
We strip ourselves, in the act of rebellion, from the loving nature of God, and so become completely unlike Him in a world sustained by Him. Rebellion separates Love from us, and we become as starkly contrasted to the God who created us like a black dot on a white page. We are tainted, carriers of unnatural things (because "natural" is "original," and "original" is that which we were originally made to be, in the image of God... not only in physical nature, but in soul and spirit). We become enemies of God, because we have brought a plague into ourselves that is not of Him. We wound, we destroy, we self-care instead of being self-less, we consume those around us, and then in greed we thirst for more.
We steal, kill, and destroy. Familiar? Do we really not think we are important? That we cannot be used for evil? It rampages, and we are to blame. I began with the simple self-protection, and then moved into more mature things. I was bitter, and I bit those around me... and consumed them if I could. I, at that moment, was my own god. I do what I please. I burn, but for myself. I am as guilty as all those other people I think are more guilty than me, but I am actually more guilty than them.
I see myself like a werewolf. Inside is the beast, and all I need is a full moon. I know it's there, but I feel bare control. I want to have it exorcised, but it seems to be a part of me. But I know the truth. It's curable, but only with a death to my rebellion.
Who is the very first friend you ever had? Are you still in touch?
I was always a fan of Abbey Road.
Things I've been thinking of, put down mostly for myself, but also for you... because, obviously, it's not private.
- The world is ready for a restart. For every great civilisation, for countless countries, for many cultures, they grow large and important, and then a giant RESTART button is pushed on them. I'm just expecting, that with things being as they are, for the RESTART button to be pushed again. Who knows, but I'm not inclined to believe any other opinions.
- I am an observer. I will watch you. I would rather watch than do, although sometimes I think what you're doing looks so much fun that I have to do it. If it doesn't peak my interest, I would much rather watch you do it. Mostly because watching you do that uninteresting thing in your own particular way is my kind of fun. It teaches me things about humanity, myself and you.
- Another way to go. Everyone has their little back-up plans. Mine is a year at RMC (because you must remain single the first year), or just going to another school entirely. If I go, I know I'll be okay. This school is another world, a little dome of either hyper-Christians or hyper-anti-Christian-Christians (I'm speaking of the "trendy/indie" hyper-anti-Christian-Christians). Both camps are immature. There are very few of those who are in-between, with all their dreadful and wonderful flaws and wounds. Hopefully you understand.
- The people I've mashed to bits. ...
- Christianity. I would rather be a Christ-follower than a Christian.
- Who succeeds with a music degree anyways. I've discouraged myself in this arena. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
- People revelation. They will always disappoint you (and me), and that just brings this whole world into sharp reality. To live in a world that you know could be better than this just sucks. The wisdom books of the Old Testament are making more sense now.
- Why do I love these people, and how come they all have similarities. I love these random people for no particular reason, and then when I delve into their lives I see the same patterns. Why do I care for these people, and what am I supposed to do with it? There has to be something. I wish there was a major for whatever that something is.
I have the feeling that I'm going to be one of those people who is only remembered for one thing.
Just do it.
